Friend?
1.14.2010
The one question that I am getting tired of hearing is..
"If you caught your friend's boyfriend out with another girl, would you go back and tell your friend?"
WHAT!!? Fucking right. I would tell a friend of mine anything that concerned her emotional well being. That is what friends do. So why is this question even being asked?
At what point do you battle with your conscious about something that can and will hurt someone that you call yourself devoted to? It really does annoy me that people really ask this question with some kind of genuine concern. As if it isn't protocol to be loyal to a real friend. Now, lets be clear, I am not talking about a casual acquaintance or some sort of associate that you know through work. I am talking about someone you call, consider and l-ve as a friend.
In matters of friendship, nothing that is considered protective, is questionable. Some people are scared to put themselves in the position to "rat out" a dirty boyfriend. Some are worried that their friend won't believe them, or they are worried that even after they break the devastating info, that the they will still stay together. But why does that even matter? What she does with the info after its been delivered is up to her. Even if she gets upset with you, for telling you the truth, just goes to show-she wasn't a real friend. But trust me, you will sleep better knowing that she found out from you, and not some casual associate who did your job, just to see her miserable.
I had a friend of mine tell me that she wouldn't tell me because she wouldn't want to get involved. Which confused me, because as two people who are companions(me and her), doesn't that automatically make us involved? She rationalized it with a story about how she got involved before and there was a bad reaction. Regardless, it saddens me to know that she wouldn't go out on that limb for me, as I would do for her. Because I thought that's what being friends was about. I knew I'd do it for her, given the opportunity, but unfortunately, because of bad choices her previous friends made, meant I would have to worry about her secrecy in matters that concerned me.
I just really dislike this question because every time I hear the answers, it puts placement values on people's heads. If you answer that question incorrectly, I know what kind of friend you are, and that sucks. I will say that there are exceptions to every rule, and in those cases, I can understand withholding that kind of info. But for the most part, some of you, need to re-evaluate who is truly your friend so that you won't have to question the simple behavior of loyalty.
Bottom line, if you have to ask that question, then it is either one of two things. Either she is not really your friend, or you are not hers.
25 thought(s)..:
like you said..im sadden this is even a question of concern.
ive been asked this before and my answer was of course i would tell her.
ppl need to be careful who they call friends now and days..that word is thrown around just like hater & swag. loosely!
all im saying is..a TRUE friend wouldnt hesitate to tell their FRIEND the TRUTH!
the question i would have to ask these ppl is..
if your friend found out you knew all along and didnt tell her..would you two still remain friends or would she question your loyalty? my friends already know the answer.
i would definitely tell my friend if i saw her man with another man or woman cuz their my friend, duh without blinking.
lol however my loyalty lines get blurred when it comes to their parents. like in high school there was no way i would tell my girl i saw her dad with another woman. Im glad i was never in that situation, cuz back home, it was a common situation.
This is so true. I could never quite understand how you can feel there was a choice of not telling your friend that someone is playing with their emotions.
This is really a very sensitive topic for a lot of people,some may see it the way you do while others wont in protection of their friends feelings which may in the long run hurt them aways especially of the partner get caught then you say i knew it a long time ago. I think its really left up to the person and the type of friendship. Because you have people who will not believe you and right out tell you your trying to brake up happy home and forget it if your single that makes it even worst.
I AGREE 100%. I think a lot of people are quick to throw around the word "friend" without knowing the true meaning of it.
Well said.
I would tell a friend. I have told a friend...I wouldnt want her to play fool because I know what its like to have everyone know but you. So Im with you on this one.
I would absolutely tell a friend because I would want the same. I've said it before that the word 'friend' is used rather loosely. Your last paragraph pretty much sums it up.
If it was a CLOSE friend, I would most definitely tell without hesitation. That's what friends are for. But if it was an acquaintance (friend of a friend or co-worker that I didn't talk to outside of work, etc) then I wouldn't get involved. I once saw a co-worker's husband out at the club all up on another woman and flirting heavily. I only talked to this co-worker at work and didn't really know her outside of work. I had only met/seen her husband once. I didn't run back and tell her but I found out about a year or so later after I stopped working there that they had divorced because she caught him cheating.
Like u said ..
What she does with the information is on her ..
But I would definetly keep it real with her .. and let her know..
I agree Brook, but then theres a way that you tell a friend about the situation too. Never say "oooo girl guess what!?" or never say " you minght wanna _____" if you truly care about your friend you would say "hey, this may hurt your feelings and im just letting you know that something is up and i want you to know" dont go at your friend with the "gossip" tone.
i do agree. i can count my friends on one hand and that is completely fine with me. ive been on the receiving end of the situation and im glad she told me. some ppl cant tell the difference between being sincere and malicious.
I would ABSOLUTELY tell her. If she was someone who I truly considered a friend, I wouldn't even consider keeping it from her. She deserves to know what is REALLY going on, and it just wouldn't be fair to either party involved in the relationship to allow him to be with someone else while he is still in a relationship with my friend. To me, someone who wouldn't tell her isn't a real friend.
Great blog, and good topic. I think most people give the advice 'mind your own business', not realizing how hurtful it can be to real, true friendships. If I'm being hurt, I expect people who call themselves my friends to come to my aid. No matter who's hurting me.
If it was a true friend I would tell her and let her make up her own mind about what to do with the info. I know I would want someone I considered a friend to tell me because that's what friends do, they look out for each other even when it's not what they want to hear.
a-fuckin-men!!
I remember back in college when this dude I was messin wit tried to get wit my homegirl and she didn't tell me, but would act funny whenever he was around
then when she eventually told me I was pissed off at her cuz she allowed me to look like a fool continuing to mess with him when he was on that bs
She was protecting his ass when she shoulda been looking out for me!
I had a friend, and I was constantly telling her about her man and the other chick, when I would see them together. It got to the point I felt she didn't care or believe me. So the next time I seen him snuggling with her, I kept it to myself.
But that hasn't changed my opinion on telling my friends about trampy ass men.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT ANY BETTER !
I would def tell a friend about their cheating spouse and I would want the same done for me.
However, it does become an extremely akward situation when your friend stays with their signifigant other who now hates you.
I guess your damned if you do and damned if you dont.
I never understood why so many people felt the need to keep info like this to themselves? I can understand not wanting to hurt your friend but peeps should realize you do more damage withholding info than giving it up. Yes, there are females that get angry when you tell them but you have to understand that they may have already knew or suspected it.
The anger can come from a place of shame or hurt and lashing out at you may be easier than attacking him at the moment. You just have to know how to deal with the "angry situation". You have to comfort them because more than likely they are not mad at you for telling them, they are hurt by what is happening. If you don't know how to calm them the situation can become ugly. If you let them know it will be okay and that you support them the situation may go over smoother.
Trophy wife made a good point, if it sounds like gossip then I would be mad too. It sounds like you joking about the situation. People don't know how to be friends anymore, they don't understand that friendships are like casual relationships.
Great post Brook!!!
...from experience, i think it depends on your friend. if she is one of those insecure girls whose boyfriend=their lifeblood i would leave it alone. she won't believe you, and if you bother to say one word about what you saw, you are now the enemy. but if your friend is stable and can stand as her own person, then she needs to know.
great topic. it bugs me when i hear persons co-sign NOT making their friend the wiser. that's what i would expect of anyone i consider a close and true friend and vice versa if i had the info. what they do with the information is up to them but they definitely have a right to be in the know.
this one is tricky. And I understand a friend not wanting to tell the information. when you have a friend who already knows her man cheats what are you really telling. You're only hurting a friend who is gonna stay with the dude anyway. Which in the end strains your freindship. Pick your battles and if she knows her man is a dog who am I to reconfirm what she already knows. However, I will bust his ass everytime I see him with another chic. He hates me anyway so I really dont give a fuck.
7 years ago I found myself in a situation like this with my closest friend - I'm not one to hold my tongue but, I had to think for a second on who would I be hurting (definitely her more so than him) and if I should tell her or not - it was days before they would walk down the aisle.
What to do, what to do?
I called him and told him off, told him I would tell her if he didn't. He wouldnt and begged me not to. When I finally worked up the nerve to tell her - she cut me off before I could began. She told me before I say anything to her she wanted to say something to me. If I had any doubts about her walking down the aisle - don't. She would do it no matter what. If I wanted to tell her something that might hurt her - don't. She didn't want to know. If I wanted to tell her something wonderful - do so later because she would be none the wiser. And, so I told her I just wanted to tell her I loved her. Which was sort of true - it would have been the first thing I said.
I just say that to say - it depends on the person, I have to admit I knew "she" would feel that way... Also, I must admit to this day I hate she robbed me of freeing my conscience - I feel as if I'm keeping his dirty little secret. :/
Phew! Glad to get that off my chest!
I have been in a situation like this back in high school (sure, I was a minor, but I consider it relevant).
I had friends tell me that my first was nothing but a dog. Sure I would get upset and cuss him, but he always had a way to charm the shit out of me to believe nothing was going on. Well, not only was he a dog, but some of the very friends that I thought were friends whom would tell me what he was doing were the very "snakes in the grass" that were doing it with him.
I'm saying this, because even though it is good for a GOOD friend to tell that person what is going on, but I feel there is somewhat a solution to this: as soon as a friend tells the person what is going on, they should further investigate it for their own sake just to confirm what's being said is true. If true, then further action should be taken. If not, then that person needs to talk to the friend and figure out if what was being said was the truth or a lie, then figure out if the friend had good intentions of protecting your best interest, or they were out to make you look foolish and move you out of the way in order to be in your spot.
Point being: INVESTIGATE THE TRUTH FROM LIES, THEN DECIDE THE NEXT COURSE OF ACTION.
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